Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
