Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
