dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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