I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
