I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
