They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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