That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
