im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
