i just had sex bonerless
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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