I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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