The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
