I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
