What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am one with the molecules
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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