I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
