Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
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Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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