Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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