Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
