I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
