Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
