worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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