I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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