I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
