My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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