I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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