I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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