She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
