tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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