Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
