i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
