so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Bring me that man meat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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