I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
honey bunches of taint.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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