there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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