My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
