We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
