we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I want to be your penis for a week.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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