So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
