im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
