He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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