I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
