Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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