I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
