heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
