Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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