I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
