I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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