I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
