I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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