I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
