i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
