I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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