MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
