Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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