i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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