Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
