she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
