I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
