I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
