so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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