im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
