he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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