There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
