My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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