I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
